mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
