If that was your dad, he is hot
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
