Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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