I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
