Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
