just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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