Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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