Do you still have your period?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
