I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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