So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
