Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
