last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
