Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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