i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
