if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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