Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
