she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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