dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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