just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
