My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
