Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
