it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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