3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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