dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
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Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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