I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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