She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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