Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Holy shit dude........stairs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
