I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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