Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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