the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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