Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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