2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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