If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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