I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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