OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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