I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
