Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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