dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
