I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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