Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
