plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
