She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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