Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
