First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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