remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think my moral compass just broke
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
