I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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