My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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