I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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