Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
