I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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