Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
