I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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