Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
