At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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