YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.