she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say