ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
