Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize